I like the way you vacuum-sealed the secretary's box to her skirt. I think it was meant to represent the absolute polarization of the country today, and was a stroke of true genius on your part.
Speaking of "stroke", my second-born son, Brandus Mirandus of Afghanistanus had a stroke this morning but refused to go to the hospital. I think it was brought on by my insisting that he wore his birthday sweater to bed. He acquiesced and the heat of the attic combined with the very thick fabric of the sweater got to him. Such is my suspicion, anyway.
All the worlds oceans could not hold the depths of my shame. The guilt will follow me for all the days I live.